Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Go on! Have a pie!

Why is it in this health-conscious age, with government campaigns ringing in our ears, that so many food establishments fail to act and provide good, wholesome and healthy fare? Recently a lady on the forum related a tale of how, in a health and fitness club or all places, she had found it virtually impossible to purchase food that would satisfy her hunger without clogging up her arteries, spiking her blood sugar levels and sending her blood pressure through the roof. She was compelled to bring her own food, but warned by the manager that this was against the rules and she would risk getting her membership cancelled if she persisted. Here’s how I imagine the conversation went…

I’m so sorry madam, you can’t eat that here,
We’ve a rule against bringing in food,
You’ll find what we offer is healthy and fresh,
So don’t eat your own – that’s just rude!

Our menu is here, please read and you’ll see
The wonderful things that we sell!
Both savoury and sweet, vegetarian and meat,
And a wide range of soft drinks as well!

For our sandwiches we use only fine refined bread,
As white as the snows before Spring!
We can fill it with Spam, crispy bacon or jam,
Or sausages fit for a king!

Ah! I see our pork pies have just caught your eye!
They’re served with a big plate of chips!
Come on, don’t deny that you’d love one to try!
I can see that you’re licking your lips!

What’s that? A nice salad? No, I don’t think we do,
There’s never much call for that here…
We’ve some nice battered fish you could have if you wish –
We make all our batter with beer!

Now, to wash it all down, then you could go to town
With a full sugar energy drink!
The cups are so big if you fell in you’d drown,
And there’s no finer tonic – don’t you think?

What’s that? You’ll decline? Well, I feel I must say
That you look like you need a good meal!
For you’re thinner each day, like you’re wasting away,
Just imagine how much better you’d feel!


  1. Very poignant indeed!
    I like the picture. My favourite thing growing up was mushy peas!

    p.s. I grew up in a very british family

  2. Gravy with chips? Yeuch! And I must't eat the rest either. ;)