Regular readers may remember the enterprising Supermarket Manager, Mr Worsnip, who initiated the first ever ‘Diabetic’s Day’ where diabetics were invited to come and shop in his store with free meters, insulin and jelly babies laid on to get them through their visit (see Supermarkets of the Future). Sadly, it has been uncovered that the store was operating subtle and hidden marketing techniques to try and induce extra, impulsive purchases of unnecessary luxury items. The most dangerous of these was the alteration of the frequency of the store’s fluorescent lights which, it turned out, were set at just the exact wavelength to trigger severe hypoglycaemia in the oblivious diabetics!
I am convinced that this is the reason why I have suffered so many hypos on my shopping trips to the local Tescos – and why I do not suffer the same fate in Waitrose or the Co-operative! Clearly, Tescos must be using the same techniques as Mr Worsnip to try and shift those piles of Ferrero Rocher outside of the Christmas season!
Mr Worsnip, you are charged that you did subliminally induce
A diabetic’s hypo, without warning or excuse!
We have gathered all the evidence, and are ready to proceed,
So tell me Mr Counsel, how does the defendant plead?
Not guilty, Your Honour, however could he know
That this frequency of light waves could make a diabetic low?
It was only his intention to try and sell more Shredded Wheat,
And not send people hypo, and falling at his feet!
And if you please, Your Honour, I’d also like to say
Mr Worsnip started Diabetic Supermarket Day!
He laid on entertainment and honey roasted ham,
And heavily discounted all his diabetic jam!
Would such a man endanger diabetics in his store?
The thought is so distressing that it hurts him to the core!
Head office had insisted that the lights were safe to use,
It’s they who should be standing here – them you should accuse!
Mr Worsnip, with his knowledge of the diabetic state
Should have stood his ground and not complied, but alas now it’s too late!
His greed for selling Shredded Wheat overcame his commonsense,
So, without ado, that’s enough from you! Let sentencing commence!