Not many people know that the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears is actually much more complicated than the ‘eat porridge, break chair, sleep, flee’ version, as told to generations of children. The bears have been grossly misrepresented, and Goldilocks had Type 1 diabetes! Here is what actually happened…
(this is a bit of an epic, so you might want to make a cup of tea first!)
It was eight o’clock in the house of the Bears
And the occupants started to stir.
While Father Bear looked for his other red sock,
Little Baby Bear brushed down his fur.
Already downstairs was that fairest of bears,
Known as Mother Bear to all that she knew.
She was early to wake – she had porridge to make,
And give tea in the pot time to brew.
Now, I think it’s common knowledge that before a bear eats porridge
He would like to void his bladder if he could,
And lacking sanitation, he will feel an obligation
To relieve himself in private in the woods.
So with breakfast on the table, and as soon as they were able,
The bears would go discreetly out of doors.
Father Bear would do it standing, for he found it less demanding,
But Mother Bear preferred it on all fours…
Little Baby was still learning, and he often missed the turning
Which would lead him to the safe secluded spot,
And when Father finished p*ssing he would see his son was missing,
He was angry, as this happened quite a lot!
In the search for Baby Bear, they always started where
The forest path diverged and went three ways.
Father went off to the right and so Mother thought she might
Explore the left side of the forest maze.
Now, it came to pass that day, someone else had lost their way,
A girl called Goldilocks, with yellow shining hair.
Despite her mother’s warning she had spent the early morning
Playing in the forest without a care.
As she wandered in a tizzy, she began to feel all dizzy,
And her heart was pounding fast as it could go!
Panting breath and sweaty palms, the poor girl feared she’d come to harm,
It was obvious her sugars were too low!
She had left her home in haste, for she didn’t want to waste
A single moment playing in the wood.
Oh only if she’d thought to bring those sugar mice she’d bought
For now’s the time they would have done her good!
As she fell down to the ground, Father Bear appeared around
The corner of the path they both were on,
He knew he must act quickly for the girl appeared quite sickly,
So he scooped her up, and quickly both were gone!
As he hurried to his lair he called out to Mother Bear,
‘Come quickly Mother, help me with this child!’
For you see, these bears were kind, and I think that you would find
They were civilised, and not the least bit wild!
As they rushed into the house, Ma said ‘Find a sugar mouse!
For this girl is lacking sweetness in her veins!’
Father Bear said, ‘That’s astute, and that’s why I find you cute!
I’m glad I wed a bear endowed with brains!’
Baby Bear (for he’d been found) brought the sugar mice around
And asked his mother what else could be done?
‘It seems the girl is ailing and the sugar mice are failing,
So you’d better go and fetch the glucagon!’
Baby did as he was told, though he wasn’t very old,
He knew exactly what he had to do.
He’d encountered this before and would probably see more,
For Father Bear had diabetes too!
With the glucagon injected and her liver thus affected,
Goldilocks began to slowly stir
And boy, was she surprised at the sight that met her eyes –
To see three bears gathered around her!
‘Now hush my dear, there, there! You gave us quite a scare!
We’ll soon return you to the world of men.
You should thank your lucky stars that your path crossed ours,
For Mother is a qualified DSN!’
‘Please, will you take a seat, for I think you need to eat
Some porridge to prevent you going low.
We’ve got three different sorts, so please let us know your thoughts.
Then you can rest before it’s time to go.’
The first bowl that she got was a little bit too hot,
The second bowl, a little bit too cool.
The third, she thought was fine, and Baby said ‘That’s mine,
But you must eat it all up, that’s the rule!’
The porridge and her proclivity for all fresh air activity
Had made poor Goldilocks extremely tired
‘Please Bears, I think you said that you had a comfy bed,
Could I go there for an hour now?’ she enquired.
Following the bears, Goldilocks climbed the stairs,
And first she went to lie on Father’s bed.
But uncomfortable springs (amongst a host of other things!)
Made her look for somewhere else to lay her head.
She then tried Mother Bear’s, but a host of moulted hairs
Made the poor girl wheeze and sneeze and sneeze!
And to make things even worse, it seemed Mother Bear was cursed
With a mattress that distinctly smelled of cheese…!
But Baby’s mattress was so deep, Goldilocks was soon asleep
And Mother Bear said ‘Go now dear, and hurry,
We will leave the girl alone, and Father Bear please phone
Her mother, so she knows she needn’t worry.’
So, now you have the truth, that these bears were not uncouth,
They’re the kind of bears who’d help you if they could!
And if you’re ever asked the question, you can offer this suggestion:
It’s a proven fact that bears go in the woods!
