Friday, 2 July 2010

Supermarkets of the Future…

It would appear, after a short period of very unscientific study (anecdotal evidence from several members of the forum) that supermarkets are the most likely places for diabetics to experience problems of either high, or more probably, low blood sugars. Several members cited the supermarket as the scene of their worst hypo. Clearly there is a marketing opportunity presenting itself here for the enlightened supermarkets of the future – special Diabetics Days, when the whole store is geared up to receiving and catering for the pancreatically-challenged members of society. Given the exponential increase in the number of diabetics diagnosed every minute (or so we are told!), this could be a huge source of revenue for those chains willing to go the extra mile to win the loyalty of this specialised group of shoppers.

Imagine, therefore, specially trained staff on hand at every aisle, jelly baby bins at five metre intervals, free testing equipment using loyalty point strips, cushioned surfaces in case of sudden collapse, and a huge array of diabetic chocolate, jams and cakes to tempt the cash from a diabetic’s deep pockets…

Right, is everyone ready? Five minutes to go!
Maureen- what happens if someone goes low?
Er, they start talking nonsense and staring ahead?
That’s right, but not always, so don’t be misled!
And Phoebe, have you filled up the jelly baby bins?
Yes Mr Worsnip, they’re filled to the brim!

OK, now it’s time that we open the shop –
Kevin, are the mats out should any of them drop?
Does that really happen sir? They just fall on the floor?
I’m afraid so, quite often…now let’s open the door…
Remember, it’s hot so they’ll be dropping like flies –
If you spot one, and catch them, you’ll be up for a prize!

Ah! Ladies and Gents, will you please step this way?
Let me welcome you to shop on our Diabetics Day!
Over there you’ll find trollies that have meters built-in,
Ask a member of staff if you need insulin.
We’ve all kinds in stock, and it won’t cost a thing,
Just one word of caution – the Lantus might sting!

Mr Worsnip! Mr Worsnip! One’s just gone down!
She was reaching for sauce – I think it was brown!
OK – John, go to condiments, let’s just hope they’re fine,
That’s the third one so far by a quarter past nine!
Oh dear, I can see, if things go on this way,
Our Diabetics Special will be a very long day!

Later:
Well done everybody! That’s the last of them gone!
The prize for most ‘catches’ has gone to young John!
I’m happy to say that they all left alive,
And the three in the hospital, it is thought they’ll survive!
We’ve sold out of oily fish, porridge and ham,
But we didn’t shift a jar of diabetic jam!

3 comments:

  1. See, I usually end up filling my cart with ice cream and chips and exciting cereal and the like -- and THEN I realize I'm low. Keeping us a little on the low-and-hungry side may boost revenues, too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious!!! Love your poems. !!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fantastic, may I copy this and send it to my local supermarket? They are used to seeing me wandering around with an open packet of something! Of course I always pay when I get better, but I can come out with some pretty bizarre things that I would not normally eat out of choice!

    ReplyDelete