The Lament of the Lonely Lancet

One of the forum’s members related the unusual tale of trying to inject her small daughter, but no insulin was being delivered. She changed the insulin – no luck, changed the pen, no luck – then realised it was because the needle had no hole! Clearly a lancet who had been frightened by the folk tales of other lancets who told him that lancets rarely get changed – not at all like the official ‘single-use’ line he had been taught – and perhaps that’s how he ended up in a needle box…

Congratulations lancets all! You’ve all achieved a pass,
And now it’s time for you to leave the Lancing Duties class!
So follow me, you’ll be assigned to boxes at the gate –
Just keep in line and you’ll be fine, don’t push, not long to wait!

‘I’m scared, I’m not sure I should go, for though I passed the course,
And though I’d only do it once – could I draw blood by force?’
‘Just once? You’re joking! You’ll find out it’s six times every day,
And every day for several weeks before you’re thrown away!’

‘Are you sure? How awful! I think I may hang back
And lurk here in the shadows – they won’t miss one in a pack…
I’ll mingle with the needles, for surely they’re used less
And don’t conclude their useful life a blunt and bloodied mess!’

‘Oh my! I’ve been selected after months within this box,
In the darkness of this drawer with the underpants and socks!
It’s up to me to do my best and pierce this person’s skin
And deliver up a dialled dose of clean fresh insulin!’

Oh no! But wait! But it’s too late, I didn’t think this through!
I have no hole! It can’t get out! Whatever shall I do?
If only I’d stuck to my task, I’d surely have succeeded –
A lancet’s not a needle, for a needle’s hole is needed!

Astounding Discoveries

Research is very important in the field of diabetes, and there are some very important and practical discoveries being made all the time that help to make my life easier and safer – and maybe one day I’ll be rid of this disease completely thanks to the wonderful work done by the world’s scientists. However, every now and then I come across reports of research that, to me, seems totally worthless, and I wonder how on earth they get funding for it! A recent example was the ‘discovery’ that people with Type 2 diabetes got better blood sugar readings when they replaced a breakfast muffin with a scoop of mixed nuts. No sh*t Sherlock! Blood sugar levels are raised primarily by the carbohydrate we consume. Muffins contain carbohydrate, nuts contain relatively few carbohydrates, ergo muffins are more likely to raise your blood sugar levels! What is the point of testing such obvious theories when the real puzzles about diabetes need vital money?

I’m pleased to announce without further ado
Our findings, which I’m sure will all astound you!
For fifteen long years at considerable expense
We’ve tested our theories, now they seem to make sense!

We discovered diabetics, when their levels are high,
Feel grumpy and thirsty, and we think we know why!
It’s because it’s not normal to be in that state –
So keep levels normal if you don’t want that fate!

And in one of our tests we discovered that bread
Increased the blood glucose, so eat bacon instead!
An historic observation, I am sure you’ll agree,
And all thanks to the money allocated to me!

And thirty nine subjects who consumed only jam
For a week and a day, then replaced it with ham,
Found their levels would rise when they ate something sweet,
But their levels were fine if they ate only meat!

And our insulin study is a fantastic success!
We gave some subjects lots and some others much less –
If we gave them too much, they collapsed on the floor,
But giving them too little showed that they needed more!

So we hope you are pleased that you funded our tests,
Such groundbreaking results – I can see you’re impressed!
And all this achieved – as cheap as it sounds –
For the paltry little sum of two million pounds!

What a cure – the Water Cure!

Yet another ‘miracle cure’ for diabetes, this time consisting of drinking plain old water. The catch with this one though, is the quantity you have to consume – half your body weight in ounces per day! Now, I’m not sure that that means if you weigh 200 pounds you drink 100 ounces, or that you drink 100 pounds in one ounce gulps. Given the nature of these miracle cures, let’s assume the latter…in which case I have only one thing to say – hyponatremia!

Who’s next please? Come up here, and stand on the scales
For the guaranteed cure that, to date, never fails!
Most doctors dismiss this, as daft as that sounds –
Ah! I see you weigh in at just four hundred pounds!

That’s 180 kilos (sounds much less, don’t you think?)
So that’s just 90 litres a day you must drink!
If you start in the morning and imbibe all day long,
You’ll be cured in a fortnight – what on earth could go wrong?

I’ll admit there’s a chance that you may get confused,
And your brain cells might swell – but it’s not like they’re used!
For most people who come here and believe in this cure
Wouldn’t notice if they left with a few billion fewer!

And you may lose your appetite and become very sick,
And the headaches and convulsions may come on very quick,
And you may feel quite dizzy, or become comatose –
But it’s over a week since we’ve had one of those!

The Melon Cure!

There are lots of natural remedies that can help people with diabetes maintain good blood glucose levels, although their efficacy is often difficult to prove, and relying on them can be potentially dangerous. One such remedy is bitter melon, or bitter gourd, and the majority of advocates of this recommend eating the fruit or seeds, or taking the active ingredients in a supplement.

However, in the wacky world of diabetes, there’s always one stand-out fruitloop who puts forward a bizarre slant of their own, and offering a cure. Bitter melon is no exception. I won’t publicise the site that suggests this, but the method is as follows:

“Take half kg of bitter gourd in a big container and stand in it with clean feet. Then crush the bittergourds with your feet continuously. Then you will start to get the bitter taste of bittergourd in your tongue. Getting the taste of bittergourd without eating, is in itself a miracle. Do this daily for about 7 days. Then check your blood sugar level. When you do this ‘exercise’ regularly remain assured that your blood glucose level will remain in control.”

So, let us imagine then a specialised Cure Centre, run by a hard-nosed and officious instructor who will, for a fee, ensure you comply with the demands of the cure…

Keep your knees up number three! I want to see you sweat!
If you put in the work then this will cure you, don’t you fret!
And number five – I’m watching you! Stop paddling around!
I should be hearing squelching, but I hardly hear a sound!

Excuse me, are you Norman? I’m here about the cure.
I thought I’d found the right address, but now I’m not so sure!
No, you’re not mistaken, have you got your receipt?
Ah yes, that seems in order, now let me see your feet!

Cubicle number four is free, it just needs swilling out,
So go and get your swimsuit on and I’ll give you a shout!
I’m sorry? I don’t follow you – don’t I get a pill?
Don’t be so ridiculous! Now, in here if you will…

Now, on the rail behind you, suspended from a cord
You’ll find a row of melons, also known as bitter gourd.
Nut them with your forehead and split them on the ground,
And then get those legs pumping, and your feet stomping around!

I’ll make sure you keep working, so there’ll be no slacking off –
I want to see your melons pulverised inside that trough!
If you make the effort and maintain a good technique,
Then I can guarantee you – you’ll be cured within a week!

Mr Worsnip Goes to Jail

Regular readers may remember the enterprising Supermarket Manager, Mr Worsnip, who initiated the first ever ‘Diabetic’s Day’ where diabetics were invited to come and shop in his store with free meters, insulin and jelly babies laid on to get them through their visit (see Supermarkets of the Future). Sadly, it has been uncovered that the store was operating subtle and hidden marketing techniques to try and induce extra, impulsive purchases of unnecessary luxury items. The most dangerous of these was the alteration of the frequency of the store’s fluorescent lights which, it turned out, were set at just the exact wavelength to trigger severe hypoglycaemia in the oblivious diabetics!

I am convinced that this is the reason why I have suffered so many hypos on my shopping trips to the local Tescos – and why I do not suffer the same fate in Waitrose or the Co-operative! Clearly, Tescos must be using the same techniques as Mr Worsnip to try and shift those piles of Ferrero Rocher outside of the Christmas season!

Mr Worsnip, you are charged that you did subliminally induce
A diabetic’s hypo, without warning or excuse!
We have gathered all the evidence, and are ready to proceed,
So tell me Mr Counsel, how does the defendant plead?

Not guilty, Your Honour, however could he know
That this frequency of light waves could make a diabetic low?
It was only his intention to try and sell more Shredded Wheat,
And not send people hypo, and falling at his feet!

And if you please, Your Honour, I’d also like to say
Mr Worsnip started Diabetic Supermarket Day!
He laid on entertainment and honey roasted ham,
And heavily discounted all his diabetic jam!

Would such a man endanger diabetics in his store?
The thought is so distressing that it hurts him to the core!
Head office had insisted that the lights were safe to use,
It’s they who should be standing here – them you should accuse!

Mr Worsnip, with his knowledge of the diabetic state
Should have stood his ground and not complied, but alas now it’s too late!
His greed for selling Shredded Wheat overcame his commonsense,
So, without ado, that’s enough from you! Let sentencing commence!

Diabetes Training School for the Uncaring

I was pretty appalled to read a post from one of our forum members this morning in which she explained how dreadfully her daughter had been spoken to when she went to have a foot injury examined at the minor injuries unit. The nurse gave the daughter (only 16 and not long diagnosed) a lecture with dire warnings about false legs and amputations! Where do they get these people from? It’s almost as if there is a special school where such people are trained to be as tactless and ignorant as possible – hopefully not all students at that school comply with their training!

Hello, I’m your instructor for the diabetes course,
I’ll teach you how to make them weep and tremble with remorse!
And if I ever hear of patients leaving with a smile,
That’s immediate suspension –no ifs, no buts, no trial!

I’ve got a few scenarios, and I’d like you to explain
How badly you would handle them, and inflict the greatest pain!
Nurse Jenkins, you look dubious, so I think I’ll start with you –
Your patient says she’s hurt her foot, so tell me what you’d do.

‘Well, first I’d put her at her ease, and say it’s very good
She decided that she’d see me just as early as she could.
And then I would examine her as gently as can be,
And reassure her, if I can, that it’s infection-free.’

No, NO!!!!! You have to frighten her, and make the poor girl fear
Her foot’s already gangrenous and won’t survive the year!
Castigate and bully her, until the poor girl cries
And thinks that there’s no hope for her, no matter how she tries!

‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it! That’s surely not the way!
A patient needs encouragement to get them through the day!
So you can take your course and stick it where the Sun don’t shine –
I’ll treat the patients my way, and I’m sure I’ll do just fine!

Diabetes Blog Week Day 7 – What we’ve learned...

I have really enjoyed participating in Diabetes Blog Week 2011, and it's been wonderful reading everyone's contributions! Many thanks to Karen for organising it, and to Emma for reminding me it was about to happen! I hope people have enjoyed my poems, it's been really lovely to hear all your comments! So, what have I learned?

Basal, bolus, MDI, pancreas, pen and pump,
That lipohypertrophy is a way of saying ‘lump’,
A plethora of ‘-opathies’ affecting eyes and feet,
That there’s no carbs to talk about in any type of meat,
And macula, that’s vernacular for the bit that helps me see
The thirty one guage needle on the pen in front of me…
And how does all that glucose get in each and every cell,
And answering the question of just how does Lantus smell?
That cake is not forbidden, and some chocolate is OK,
Accepting there’s no cure as yet, and ‘it’ won’t go away,
But what I’ve learned beyond all this, a priceless thing for me,
Is I don’t need to feel alone – I have the D.O.C!

Diabetes Blog Week Day 5 – Awesome things!

Who would have thought that something as life-changing and devastating as being diagnosed with a chronic, incurable disease could actually also produce changes for the good? Apart from the fact that it really made me sit up and take notice of my overall health and the way it was potentially heading, it also turned out to be an extremely rich source of inspiration for my poetry! Now, you may have noticed that my poems tend not to be the chest-beating, soul-searching and angst-ridden litanies of gloom and despair. I’ve tried that sort of stuff and I just can’t do it. No, I prefer to spot an absurdity or situation that can be given a humorous twist because I firmly believe that if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

So, if I was to pick one awesome thing that I have done because of diabetes, it is that I have become a published poet! Not in a big way, but in print nevertheless! There are so many things to write about, whether it is the shop assistant’s explanation of Low GI bread, the Guru explaining the Dangers of Left-Nostril Neglect, or the nurse who is disgusted at seeing people inject insulin in public! Pig Sushi, diabetics donating urine to make whisky in return for test strips, a spooky Halloween diagnosis, diabetic jam, diabetic tamagotchis, farts versus injections, if Disney did diabetes – you’ll find them all here and many more, and I’m sure there will be endless strange encounters with the world of diabetes rendered in verse form in the months and years to come – watch this space!

Diabetes Blog Week Day 4 – Ten things I hate about you, diabetes!

On the whole I’ve been pretty lucky with my diabetes. My levels are very good as a rule, HbA1c has been in the 5% club since about 6 months after diagnosis, and I was diagnosed late in life, aged 49, so I haven’t had to spend decades with it as yet (although I’m looking forward to my Joslin Medal and Alan Nabarro Medal for 50 years with diabetes when I reach 99…

So, not a lot to complain about, and I try not to, being fully aware of the struggles that others have in comparison to my relatively cushy ride. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother or upset me, or ruin my routines or plans, probably made worse by the fact that I had several decades of carefree spontaneity prior to diagnosis. There’s no escape, and sometimes that gets me down. I do try and bear in mind that things could be far worse though, and try and look on the bright side and inject a little humour (see what I did there? Groan!) with my poems, which I hope will lighten the burden for others from time to time.

So, 10 things? How about…

One, you never leave me,
Two, you’re always there,
Three, you’re so demanding,
Four, you never care,
Five, you’re so erratic,
Six, you’re timing’s bad,
Seven, sometimes dramatic,
Eight, you make me mad!
And if you haven’t worked out
What I’d pick for Nine and Ten,
Then please go back to Number One
And read the list again!

Just go! Vamos! And sling your hook!
For you’re not wanted here!
Vacate my life and let me be,
And let me drink my beer!

Diabetes Blog Week, Day 3 - Diabetes Bloopers

I haven’t been diagnosed that long, just about three years now, and am glad to say that I have been able to manage my diabetes well without any real disasters or howlers. When I was first diagnosed I remember getting home from the hospital and going through my cupboards, clearing out everything I thought I could no longer eat – honey, sugar, biscuits, treacle, puddings, ice cream, chocolate – I remember being surprised at how much stuff I had that was now forbidden to me, especially since I had never considered myself to have a particularly sweet tooth.

As time went on though, and I learned more about carbohydrate and things like the glycaemic index and glycaemic loading diet, I realised that I shouldn’t deny myself the occasional treat. Happily, weight was never an issue for me, and I quickly got back into my running, so could afford extra calories when the whim took me. I learned that nothing was forbidden to me, as long as it was in moderation, and taking care to consume ‘fast’ sugar items as part of a meal so I would lower the overall GI and have less of a spike in blood sugar levels.

However, sooner or later every person with diabetes will encounter someone who isn’t diabetic, yet knows far more than you about what is and what isn’t allowed. Obviously, in their minds, anything sweet will probably kill you almost instantly, so they take it upon themselves to safeguard your welfare by issuing horrified warnings should you absent-mindedly raise a slice of cake to your mouth. Before your lips can close around the moist and heavenly delicacy, their stern insistence that ‘you shouldn’t be eating that!’ suddenly hits home and you realise how close you came to an almost certain early demise. Thank goodness for the Diabetes Police!

My goodness! How stupid! I’ve been such a fool!
I’m embarrassed and my face has turned red!
How could I have forgotten the One Golden Rule?
I must have gone out of my head!

Of course! You’re correct! Why couldn’t I see
That the cake that I almost consumed
Represented such danger, for it’s poison to me!
Oh forgive me! May I leave the room?

I feel such an idiot, my head hangs in shame,
For the consequences might have been so severe,
If I woke from the coma, then who would they blame?
All due to my ignorance, I fear!

Oh thanks for your warning, so grateful to you!
I am blessed by the interest you take!
If it wasn’t for you, I may not have pulled through
My mistake in digesting that cake!

Diabetes Blog Week #1 - Admiring our differences

I’m the Admin for a diabetes support forum. Although the forum has only been going less than three years, we are now in excess of a quarter of a million posts from thousands of people. If there is one thing I learned early on in my involvement with the forum, it is that everyone’s story is different. Even two Type 1s of similar age and length of diagnosis will have very different experiences to relate, whether it is their reaction to different types of food, their ability to control their levels, their reactions to exercise, and the reactions of the people around them to their condition and how they handle it – the bottom line is, we are all different. By responding to each other’s cares and concerns, triumphs and troughs, we can help each other build up strategies to cope with those aspects of diabetes that have had us stumped, maybe for many years. There is no substitute for this knowledge and shared experience, no teacher or text book can teach it, there are no simple rules applying to all, except perhaps the need for insulin, whether from pump, pancreas or pen, to process glucose and keep our levels in range. So who do I admire the most? Every single one of you!

Hundreds of people, thousands of posts,
Which one should I pick from these? Which one means the most?
The parent, child or pensioner? Perhaps the anxious wife?
Or the person who refuses to let it rule their life?
The people running marathons, or those who walk a mile?
The people fighting deep despair? The ones who make me smile?
So many different lives to lead, so many tales to tell,
From happy Pumping Paradise to needle-phobic hell…
All ages, colours, sex and creed, the bald, brunette or blonde,
Tall and small and thin and fat, we share a common bond.
So many newly-diagnosed – if only there were fewer,
And maybe one day, not far off, we celebrate the Cure!

The Eye Hospital

I went to the Eye Hospital today as a follow-up to my retinal scan a few months ago. The doctors were concerned that my eyes showed ‘diabetic changes’ so wanted to investigate further. The initial part of the appointment was very much the same as having a retinal scan – drops in eyes to dilate pupils to the size of dinner plates, wait for them to take effect, then have retinal photographs taken. Having your pupils dilate like that has the inevitable consequence of making everything seem exceedingly bright, and also makes it impossible to focus on any text smaller than large billboard size.

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I realised that the waiting room was liberally spread with reading matter of all varieties – a bookshelf, stacks of magazines on a table, and an extensive range of pamphlets covering a broad spectrum of physical ailments, their symptoms and treatment. Looking around at the other patients it was clear (even through blurred eyes!) that none of them was capable of reading any of this without the aid of the Hubble Space telescope! I don’t think they had quite thought this through…!

Now you’ve had your drops, please go and sit down,
Before long they will call out your name…
You just need to wait whilst your pupils dilate
And your retinas start to inflame!

But let me just show you, for it may be some time,
Our library of books old and new!
We’ve novels and thrillers, and can’t-put-them-downs,
There’s bound to be one to suit you!

Or if you prefer, there’s a fantastic range
Of magazines to flick through and browse!
There’s fashion and cars and gardening and golf,
Or farming if you’ve a passion for cows!

If that’s not to your taste, take a look over here
At our leaflets displayed in this rack!
There’s all you need know about things ‘down below’
Or ways you might injure your back!

In an EYE hospital nurse? Have you quite thought this through?
It ought to be no big surprise
For the reason we’re here is abundantly clear –
We’ve got something wrong with our eyes!

A Whipworm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away!

More bizarre research findings. Apparently, it’s been discovered that people infected with certain species of parasitic worm are less prone to autoimmune diseases and allergies, including Type 1 diabetes, asthma and allergy, Crohn’s Disease and Multiple Sclerois. What better programme, therefore, for the government to conduct than to intentionally infect the populace with these wondrous colon cohabitants? Imagine the huge reductions in healthcare costs if all these conditions could be averted! Surely a small incentive to the doctors in the community would encourage them to start prescribing without delay!

Given your family history
We think that it is critical
That you consume three times a day
A worm that’s parasitical!

A worm, you say? You must be mad!
What good would that do me?
Prescribing worms, good gracious –
What kind of doctor can you be?!!

I’ll have you know, dear patient,
I’m a doctor up to speed
On all the latest guidelines
That the government has decreed!

We have to get our patients
To consume three worms a day,
And if we do then they’ll come through
And triple all our pay!

Physician, keep your whipworms,
I’m afraid I must decline…
I suggest you take them back and stick them
Where the Sun don’t shine!

Pig Sushi

Just when I think I have heard the most bizarre research being conducted into finding a cure for diabetes, along comes another, even more extraordinary notion! Pig sushi definitely makes it into my top ten potential cures! Apparently, according to this New Scientist article, scientists have been exploring the potential of using porcine islet cells coated in a seaweed-derived extract to transplant into humans. The pig cells used are taken from a special breed of pig which lives only on Auckland Island south of New Zealand, which has been isolated for over two centuries and is free from any organism likely to infect humans. The seaweed helps to overcome the possibility of the cells being rejected by the host body.

I await with wonder and eagerness the ‘cure’ that will trump Pig Sushi on my all-time list of diabetes cures!

Waiter, excuse me, but what’s this dish here?
It sounds quite revolting and decidedly queer!
For I always thought sushi was made out of fish,
But what you are offering is a quite different dish!

Ah yes sir, pig sushi – a specialty of ours,
And a dish that’s possessed of some magical powers!
It’s pork wrapped in seaweed from the Sargasso Sea,
And it cures diabetes (though there are no guarantees!)

But why so expensive for seaweed and pork?
Is it served with champagne and a solid gold fork?
Do they fly pigs from China on a business class fare?
Do they pluck strands of seaweed from a fair mermaid’s hair?

Not quite sir, but almost, for the pigs that we seek,
Live south of New Zealand in a herd that’s unique…
Some say they are tended by mystical elves,
And they don’t need a plane as they fly here themselves!

Well it sounds like a meal that is fit for a king!
Whoever could imagine such a remarkable thing?
Bring it at once! I can’t wait to be cured!
And there’ll be a large tip, of that be assured!

Jobsworth

Unfortunately, there are a lot of very poorly-informed people around who are in positions where they can wield their power to make life difficult for us. Recently, a member of the forum recounted how she had gone for an appointment with a Job Centre official who proposed that, since using insulin might be a barrier to obtaining a job involving driving, why didn’t she stop using it and try diet and exercise instead? I’ll leave it to you to imagine the collective response of other forum members to this ridiculous and dangerous suggestion! Did the official think that using insulin was a ‘lazy’ way of managing diabetes? I despair!

Yes? Who’s next please? Ah, come and sit down!
It’s just a few questions, so no need to frown!
I’ve had lots of training, so you’ll be in good hands,
I’m well up on vacancies and market demands!

It says on your form you’re diabetes, type 1?
Can you just let me know how long that has gone on?
I know all about it – the same as old Uncle Bob,
But it never stopped him from getting a job!

Or was his type 2? Well, they’re pretty much the same –
They’re both diabetes, so what’s in a name?
But you’re using insulin to keep levels low?
Uncle Bob never used it, as far as I know…!

So why don’t you try? Give the insulin a miss?
You need to try harder – much harder than this!
Uncle Bob, I recall, only took the odd pill,
You could do the same, you just need the will!

What’s that? Oh that’s nonsense! Of course you won’t die!
You’ll never find out if you don’t even try!
If Uncle Bob could do it, then I think so can you,
Or I’ll cross you off our list without further ado!

A Hallowe'en Diagnosis

Come in, come in, my little one, the spell has taken hold!
For though the sweat drips from your brow, it seems your flesh is cold…
And sickness grips your stomach such that nothing there remains,
Your blood and urine honey sweet, and acid fills your veins!

But fear ye not, my little one, a poultice I will make
To stop the shaking of your limbs and thirst you cannot slake!
So lie down on the feathered bench whilst I prepare the charm
And soon the anguish in your mind will be replaced with calm!

Before I act to make you well, a contract you must sign,
And whilst you hold to all its rules the spell remains benign!
But should you stray but for a day, then havoc will you reap,
And it may be that demons come to take you in your sleep!

So take this spike to pierce your flesh, should e’er you wish to eat,
If you would save your eyes and heart, and long retain your feet!
The juices in this vial serve to pacify your food
Without it, live a hellish life, with foul and blackened mood!

You must perform the ritual till dawns the far off day
The curse is lifted from your kind, and only then you may
Tear up the contract, cast away the sharp and bloodied spike,
Then go out to the restaurant and order what you like!

Beware the Grape!

Advice given to people newly-diagnosed with diabetes, particularly Type 2 where no medication may be required, can sometimes be a little on the inadequate side. One forum member related that her only advice on being diagnosed was ‘don’t eat grapes’. So, why are we searching for a cure for diabetes when the solution is so simple? Instead of trying to cure diabetes we should be trying to cure people of the compulsion to eat grapes!

It seems you’re diabetic - now, I know that that’s not nice,
But there’s no need to panic, just follow my advice!
It’s quite OK to fill yourself with strawberries and bananas,
But banish from your life for good the grape and the sultana!

The world is spending far too much in searching for a cure,
Instead they should be spending it repelling grape allure!
For that’s the only rule you need to keep yourself in shape –
It doesn’t matter what you eat if you reject the grape!

I know that when you see a grape you feel a strange compulsion
To eat a bunch for every lunch – but treat them with revulsion!
Forego the humble currant and dismiss the wizened prune,
Then forget you’re diabetic, you’ll be practically immune!

Ode to a Dumpling Dear

My poem for National Poetry Day!

There lived far off, in distant lands
A maiden fair, but plump
All ripe in bloom, and comfy was
The flesh upon her rump.

She lived her life in bliss pursuit
Of puddings, cakes and pies
And heedless she about the growth
Of poundage on her thighs.

Her face rotund would smile at all
The pastry cream delights
The soup suffused with lard and oil
And sugary, chocolate bites.

And then, one day, into her life
A stranger chanced to pass
A Northerner, uncouth and rude,
Remarked upon the lass:

"My word my girl, I do believe
You've set my heart a-thumping
For ne'er have I seen such a mass
I needs must call you 'Dumpling'!"

"Yes, Dumpling Queen, my Dumpling Dear!
You've made me all a-tizzy,
I warrant that you keep a league
Of chefs and bakers busy!"

These words at first did not connect
So strange his ways and speech
What could he mean? What did he say?
A whale upon a beach?

But slowly, surely, as she thought
And pictured in her mind
An explanation formed and grew -
He wasn't being kind!

A raging fire began to burn
Within her heaving breast
That rose and fell with every breath
Her inner wrath confessed.
Her angry heart beat faster
Could her clothes withstand the test?
Pounding and rebounding
'Gainst the fabric of her vest.

And with a roar, she then declared,
"No, I shall never rest
Until the day I rid the world
Of this base, uncultured pest!"

"No more shall I be 'Dumpling Girl',
The subject of such jest!
Henceforth I shall be 'Lovely Girl'
The fairest and the best!"

She looked around, but looked in vain,
For Northern man had fled!
The sight of all that quivering flesh
Had filled the man with dread…

And as the fire within her burned
And she searched far and wide
The quantity of flesh she bore
Did inch, by inch, subside!

Each minute past saw ounces melt
And she grew sleek and slim
Diminishing the wrath she felt
Her fury growing dim.

"Perhaps this Northern man was kind
To emphasise my girth -
Perhaps his tender parts should not
Be bruised for all they're worth."

"Maybe just a well-placed knee
When he suspects it least
Will compensate sufficiently
For being such a beast?"

When next they met, the Northern lad
Could scarce believe his eyes
Could this fair sight before him now
Be the product of those pies?

He gasped at first, and then he groaned
For barely did he see
As the region that would hurt the most
Connected with her knee…

We wonder were her model looks
The reason for the cries
The high-pitched voice, the curious gait,
The water in his eyes?

No more would she be 'Dumpling Girl'
This lovely lass so light
And he would nurse his bruises
In the small hours of the night….

The Doctor will see you now...

I’ve been reading too many stories lately about people being called in to see the doctor and when they get there he’s got no idea what the appointment is for, has the wrong notes which he hasn’t read anyway, and makes wholly inappropriate assumptions or rude and thoughtless comments. Why do such people join the medical profession in the first place? Not for the money, surely?

Now, why have you made an appointment?
‘You asked me if I would come in!’
And why did we ask you to do that?
'I can’t think what the reason might have been!'

Well, let’s have a look at your records…
I see that you’ve had a few tests.
That must be why we want to see you -
To decide what to do for the best!

This test says you’ve just become pregnant!
That’s odd for an eighty year old!
I must say that you’re looking well though,
It’s the hormones that do that, I’m told!

Ah! This test says you’re diabetic!
I’m guessing you must be Type 2,
For Type 1s, it has been my experience,
Are much slimmer and younger than you!

What’s that, you’ve been Type 1 for decades?
You’re not pregnant because you are male?
Well then, please would you go, for I’m busy you know,
And I don’t have the time for your tales!

The Dangers of Left Nostril Neglect

The world of health is truly bizarre. Common problems that have afflicted mankind through the ages have engendered many weird and wonderful theories about their origins and how they may be prevented or cured. One of my favourites of the day has to be the prevention of diabetes through the practice of ‘Nadi Sodhana’ - the yoga technique of alternate nostril breathing! Apparently, the yogis have known for centuries about the ‘nasal cycle’, whereby humans favour one nostril over the other for breathing. The preferred nostril in a healthy individual apparently changes over a period of about two hours, but should one nostril exceed its allotted time significantly then dire consequences can ensue!

Breathing predominantly via the right nostril is apparently one of the major causes of diabetes! But wait, you can’t escape by favouring your left nostril, for this will put you at risk of developing asthma! Fortunately, both diseases can be avoided by learning to optimise your nasal cycle. I feel this should be taught in every school…!

Madam, please excuse me, if I may be so bold,
I’ve noticed how you’re breathing, because the day is cold!
The vapours you’re emitting cloud the autumn air,
Revealing that you’re risking things you may not be aware!

What nonsense sir, please leave me be, and let me on my way!
You don’t know me from Adam, what a stupid thing to say!
I learned to take in oxygen since I took my first breath
And I don’t intend to change my ways until I meet with death!

Forgive me madam, but you must! Or one day you might find
Your life afflicted by disease – the diabetic kind!
For you don’t use your passages to optimum effect:
The right one is in favour, but the left one you neglect!

My passages? How dare you sir! How could you be so rude?
Your language, sir, is intimate, and borders on the lewd!
Oh madam, let me clarify! I’m speaking of your nose!
For when you take in oxygen, that’s mainly where it goes!

You need to learn to use the left, and I can teach you how!
I’d like to stick my finger up – that’s if you will allow?
Be on your way you awful man, or we will come to blows,
And you’ll find trouble breathing when I spifflicate your nose!