The Melon Cure!

There are lots of natural remedies that can help people with diabetes maintain good blood glucose levels, although their efficacy is often difficult to prove, and relying on them can be potentially dangerous. One such remedy is bitter melon, or bitter gourd, and the majority of advocates of this recommend eating the fruit or seeds, or taking the active ingredients in a supplement.

However, in the wacky world of diabetes, there’s always one stand-out fruitloop who puts forward a bizarre slant of their own, and offering a cure. Bitter melon is no exception. I won’t publicise the site that suggests this, but the method is as follows:

“Take half kg of bitter gourd in a big container and stand in it with clean feet. Then crush the bittergourds with your feet continuously. Then you will start to get the bitter taste of bittergourd in your tongue. Getting the taste of bittergourd without eating, is in itself a miracle. Do this daily for about 7 days. Then check your blood sugar level. When you do this ‘exercise’ regularly remain assured that your blood glucose level will remain in control.”

So, let us imagine then a specialised Cure Centre, run by a hard-nosed and officious instructor who will, for a fee, ensure you comply with the demands of the cure…

Keep your knees up number three! I want to see you sweat!
If you put in the work then this will cure you, don’t you fret!
And number five – I’m watching you! Stop paddling around!
I should be hearing squelching, but I hardly hear a sound!

Excuse me, are you Norman? I’m here about the cure.
I thought I’d found the right address, but now I’m not so sure!
No, you’re not mistaken, have you got your receipt?
Ah yes, that seems in order, now let me see your feet!

Cubicle number four is free, it just needs swilling out,
So go and get your swimsuit on and I’ll give you a shout!
I’m sorry? I don’t follow you – don’t I get a pill?
Don’t be so ridiculous! Now, in here if you will…

Now, on the rail behind you, suspended from a cord
You’ll find a row of melons, also known as bitter gourd.
Nut them with your forehead and split them on the ground,
And then get those legs pumping, and your feet stomping around!

I’ll make sure you keep working, so there’ll be no slacking off –
I want to see your melons pulverised inside that trough!
If you make the effort and maintain a good technique,
Then I can guarantee you – you’ll be cured within a week!

Pig Sushi

Just when I think I have heard the most bizarre research being conducted into finding a cure for diabetes, along comes another, even more extraordinary notion! Pig sushi definitely makes it into my top ten potential cures! Apparently, according to this New Scientist article, scientists have been exploring the potential of using porcine islet cells coated in a seaweed-derived extract to transplant into humans. The pig cells used are taken from a special breed of pig which lives only on Auckland Island south of New Zealand, which has been isolated for over two centuries and is free from any organism likely to infect humans. The seaweed helps to overcome the possibility of the cells being rejected by the host body.

I await with wonder and eagerness the ‘cure’ that will trump Pig Sushi on my all-time list of diabetes cures!

Waiter, excuse me, but what’s this dish here?
It sounds quite revolting and decidedly queer!
For I always thought sushi was made out of fish,
But what you are offering is a quite different dish!

Ah yes sir, pig sushi – a specialty of ours,
And a dish that’s possessed of some magical powers!
It’s pork wrapped in seaweed from the Sargasso Sea,
And it cures diabetes (though there are no guarantees!)

But why so expensive for seaweed and pork?
Is it served with champagne and a solid gold fork?
Do they fly pigs from China on a business class fare?
Do they pluck strands of seaweed from a fair mermaid’s hair?

Not quite sir, but almost, for the pigs that we seek,
Live south of New Zealand in a herd that’s unique…
Some say they are tended by mystical elves,
And they don’t need a plane as they fly here themselves!

Well it sounds like a meal that is fit for a king!
Whoever could imagine such a remarkable thing?
Bring it at once! I can’t wait to be cured!
And there’ll be a large tip, of that be assured!

Beware the Grape!

Advice given to people newly-diagnosed with diabetes, particularly Type 2 where no medication may be required, can sometimes be a little on the inadequate side. One forum member related that her only advice on being diagnosed was ‘don’t eat grapes’. So, why are we searching for a cure for diabetes when the solution is so simple? Instead of trying to cure diabetes we should be trying to cure people of the compulsion to eat grapes!

It seems you’re diabetic - now, I know that that’s not nice,
But there’s no need to panic, just follow my advice!
It’s quite OK to fill yourself with strawberries and bananas,
But banish from your life for good the grape and the sultana!

The world is spending far too much in searching for a cure,
Instead they should be spending it repelling grape allure!
For that’s the only rule you need to keep yourself in shape –
It doesn’t matter what you eat if you reject the grape!

I know that when you see a grape you feel a strange compulsion
To eat a bunch for every lunch – but treat them with revulsion!
Forego the humble currant and dismiss the wizened prune,
Then forget you’re diabetic, you’ll be practically immune!

My diabetes is due to expire…

I wish someone had told me earlier – my diabetes is due to expire in three years, three months and a few days. In the whirlwind that ensued after my diagnosis, with seemingly hundreds of visits to doctors and clinics of all varieties, I filled out a form which would grant me exemption from prescription charges due to the fact that I had diabetes that required medication, chiefly in the form of insulin. That wondrous substance, isolated by Drs. Banting, Best, Collip and Macleod and celebrating the 88th year of its first human trial yesterday, is not something that I must inject for the remainder of my life!

How so, you ask? Well, what I hadn’t realised was that the charge exemption form was valid for only five years, at which point a new form would be issued asking you to confirm that ‘you still have the condition declared on your original application’. Result! All I need to do is tick the box that says ‘No’ and I will no longer have diabetes!

Of course, I still have diabetes you fools! Unless I have somehow missed the earth-shattering news that a cure has been found for the disease affecting over 300 million people worldwide, which seems a little unlikely, I still have diabetes. Ah well, we can but hope!



My diabetes is due to expire,
I’ve got about three years remaining,
For my friend got a letter that implied she’d get better,
And we all found it most entertaining!

Bureaucracy dictates that our diabetic fates
Lie in answering just one simple question,
‘Since last you applied, please confirm or deny
Can your pancreas cope with glucose ingestion?’

Could it be, all along, that the doctors are wrong,
And diabetes is not a lifetime affliction?
Tick the right box – you’re cured, that’s one diabetic fewer,
And you won’t need those horrid prescriptions!

It’s a ‘no’ then from me – I am diabetes-free,
And I’m off to the pub for some drinking!
And I’ll eat what I like with no fear of a spike!
Dr Banting, what on earth were you thinking?

Nearly cured!

Back in April, with the warm spring weather revitalising me after a particularly cold and harsh winter, my insulin requirements had suddenly started decreasing at an alarming rate. Each night I would reduce my dose of Lantus, but each morning I was waking to blodd sugar levels bordering on hypoglycaemia. My daily novorapid doses with my meals were also decreasing, although not at quite the same rate. Eventually, I seemed to settle on a dose of 8 units of Lantus which allowed me to both go to bed and wake within range, without additional snacking.

I’d been expecting, now that the colder weather and darker days have arrived, that I might experience a seasonal increase in my insulin requirements to match the decrease I’d had earlier. Not so. My requirements have started declining again, now to six units of Lantus. I can only surmise that I have recovered some residual beta cell function and am producing a low level of ‘home grown’ insulin to supplement my injected doses. Certainly, when I read of others’ experiences, I seem to have far fewer problems with keeping my levels within range, and certainly never experience the frighteningly high levels that some people get.

I don’t really think I am on the way to being cured, but it’s a nice thought to have! It is more likely a cure will come from the good work of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation

Since diagnosis there’s been the allure
Of a highly unlikely spontaneous cure!
For my insulin doses have shown such a fall
That maybe one day I won’t need them at all!

I started on twenty of Lantus as ‘slow’
But in April discovered that this sent me too low,
So I started decreasing it, two units a night,
But still a month later it just wasn’t right!

Now I’ve reduced it by seventy percent
It does make me wonder where the rest of it went!
From twenty units to six, and should I need fewer,
Then surely that constitutes a virtual cure!

Perhaps it’s my pancreas that’s been resurrected,
With beautiful beta cells no longer neglected,
Pouring forth insulin, potent and pure,
I’ll take that for now! It’s nearly a cure!

Snake Oil

A bit of a rant today! As with many chronic conditions there are some astounding claims made for ‘cures’ for diabetes. There is no cure for diabetes. It may be possible to gain better control of blood sugar levels by following certain strict diets or by taking certain supplements, but this does not constitute a cure, yet you will see adverts for cures all over the internet (you may even see some on this page, as part of the ‘targeted’ adverts from Google). As I am an insulin-dependent diabetic there is no substitute for insulin – I must therefore inject it to live. Insulin can’t be taken in pill form as the digestive juices in the stomach will destroy it before it can be passed into the bloodstream. Scientists are trying to find a way around this by coating pills in a special protective film so that it can pass into the small intestine unmolested, but this is still some way from being a reality. It is also possible to inhale insulin from a special device, but this method is expensive, difficult to guage dosages, and with unknown potential side effects on the lungs.

One promising area of research is stem cell research, where stem cells transplanted into the pancreas can be transformed into insulin producing beta cells. So far, this has met with some limited success, particularly in newly-diagnosed subjects who may still have some ‘native’ insulin production. There have also been pancreas transplants but this is not a common operation. Because the pancreas is also responsible for producing powerful digestive enzymes, the surgeons have a particularly delicate task trying to ensure that none of these powerful acids leak and damage other organs. Also, with transplants, the subject would then be on a plethora of anti-rejection drugs for life.

Another promising area is in ‘closed-loop’ systems that work like an artificial pancreas. These comprise a continuous blood glucose monitoring system (CGMS) and an insulin delivery device (a pump). The idea is that the CGMS takes frequent readings of blood sugar levels and commands the pump to deliver tiny amounts of insulin to ‘correct’ any high values – thus mimicking the way a real pancreas works. These devices are very close to being a reality. Things have certainly come a long way over the past 100 years, but have some way to go yet before we can all be ‘cured’!


‘Buy our pills!’ I hear you say,
‘Make diabetes go away!
Just take these three times a day,
Believe us – it’s the only way!’

Oh my dear, my goodness gracious!
What you claim is quite audacious!
The cure you offer is fallacious,
And your words are all mendacious!

Making money from the sick
Is such a nasty, evil trick,
So take your pills, one at a time,
And shove them where the Sun don’t shine!